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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 25322 times)

Roadster

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #30 on: September 14, 2009, 01:45:57 pm »

All of a sudden it doesn't seem to matter to me that the national debt is increasing by almost 4 billion dollars per day.
Not when I can have my picture put on an M&M.
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Rich
Road's End Studio
Musician, Songwriter, Research Technician on Creative Muse

CHANCE

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #31 on: September 14, 2009, 07:13:42 pm »

Inner Peace: This is so true    
       

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,  

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



 .....Then You Are Probably  The Family Dog!    



index.php/fa/13329/0/
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Chance Pataki
The Musicians Workshop
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http://www.the-musicians-workshop.com


A person is a biological signal processor--EQ mag

CHANCE

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #32 on: September 14, 2009, 07:20:25 pm »

 While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?  A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'


Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the cop's Face....... PRICELESS!
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Chance Pataki
The Musicians Workshop
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A person is a biological signal processor--EQ mag

CHANCE

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #33 on: September 15, 2009, 09:19:03 pm »

My buddy sent me this....



ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
 A guy whopurchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their   anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol   & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little  something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was  a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.  
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived,  
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn  thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I
learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it  against a metal surface at the same time;  
I'd get the  blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the  prongs. AWESOME!!!  
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to  myself that it couldn't be all that bad  
with only two triple-A  batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie  looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to  try this thing ou t on a flesh & blood moving target.
I  must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of   a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect  herself against a mugger,  
I did want some assurance that it  would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The  directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;  
a three-second burst would purportedly make your  assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  
Any  burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the  batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device  measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in  circumference;  
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,   bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond  description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her  head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a  tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of  it.  
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the  button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side  door, picked me up in the recliner,  
then body slammed us  both on  the carpet, over and over and over again.  
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,  
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?  
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,  
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself  with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as
a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let  go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst  would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a  relative thing at that point),  
I collected my wits (what   little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  
My  bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from  where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been  shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I  had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!


P.S...My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
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Chance Pataki
The Musicians Workshop
musicians.workshop@gte.net
http://www.the-musicians-workshop.com


A person is a biological signal processor--EQ mag

garret

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #34 on: September 19, 2009, 01:35:15 am »

Okay I think this is the hardest I've laughed in a while.  It's very long, but worth the time to read.
-Garret

---------------------------------------------
The Horror of Blimps (posted by Scylla/The Straight Dope)

Last week I stopped at a toy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. And it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was out and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.  We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries. Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.   My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.   Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs.  My wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp, which was up until this moment a fun toy, here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraith-like over the staircase it entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, gliding six feet above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents, it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.   So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion when I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240, even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leaped out of bed.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

Its trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.   Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet, shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all, I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.


***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been out the night before,  and wasn't aware that we had assembled a blimp the previous evening, and that it was now floating around the the walk-in closet.

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet, but I don't think I will.   Some blimps are better off dead.
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thinman

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #35 on: September 23, 2009, 02:23:11 am »

OK, after that, this may be the world's shortest joke:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a beer and a mop."
.
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Tom L

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #36 on: September 23, 2009, 10:04:23 am »

thinman wrote on Tue, 22 September 2009 22:23

OK, after that, this may be the world's shortest joke:


Less is more. All you need is the bare bones

PRobb

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #37 on: September 23, 2009, 10:50:42 am »

#1  
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bar with a cockatoo on his head.

The bartender says "where did you get that"?

The cockatoo says "Brooklyn- there's thousands of them!".


#2
A termite with no teeth walks into a bar and says "where is the bar tender?"
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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
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ssltech

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #38 on: September 23, 2009, 12:56:06 pm »

I took the wife out yesterday evening...

one punch!!!
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MDM (maxdimario) wrote on Fri, 16 November 2007 21:36

I have the feeling that I have more experience in my little finger than you do in your whole body about audio electronics..

CHANCE

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #39 on: September 23, 2009, 02:16:20 pm »

I just got back from Radio Shack to get some rechargeable batteries.
The girl turned around and got them from behind the counter and asked "Will that be all?" I said yes. Then she said "Is that for here or to go?" Without thinking (?), I said "to go" As it turns out it was her first day having come from a fast food job. This made my day.
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Chance Pataki
The Musicians Workshop
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A person is a biological signal processor--EQ mag

Berolzheimer

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #40 on: September 23, 2009, 02:19:00 pm »

3 men are sentenced to death by guillotine- a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer.
First up is the doctor, convicted of murdering his wife.  The judge reads aloud  the sentence, the priest on hand administers the last rites, and the doctor is layed onto the machine of death.  The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade comes screaming down-
and suddenly stops, just inches above the doctor's neck. The judge and the priest convene for several minutes and then make their announcement- "this must be an act of God.  This man, while having been convicted of murder, has also saved many lives in his career, and we see this as divine intervention.  therefore this man is free to go."
Next up was the lawyer.  Again, pronouncement of sentence, last rites, and the lawyer is placed upon the guillotine.  The executioner pulls the cord and again, the blade comes screaming down, only to stop inches above the lawyer's neck.
The judge and the priest convene and again declare,  "while this man did commit one heinous crime,  he also has done much good in his life, and we believe God wants him alive.  He is free to go."
Next up is the engineer.  Pronouncement of sentence, last rites, and as he is led to the guillotine he looks up and says, "Hey, I think I see your problem here."



My apologies if I've posted this one here before....

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compasspnt

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #41 on: September 23, 2009, 04:08:09 pm »

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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compasspnt

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #42 on: September 23, 2009, 04:10:34 pm »

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
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PRobb

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #43 on: September 23, 2009, 04:52:16 pm »

#1
The optimist thinks the glass is half full.
The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
The engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it should be.

#2
A group of engineers are trying to decide who designed the human body. They look at the bones and joints and think it might have been a mechanical engineer. Then they look at the nervous system and think it might have been an electrical engineer. In the end, they decide it must have been a civil engineer because who else would run a waste disposal line through a recreational area.
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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
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billiard

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #44 on: September 23, 2009, 10:44:46 pm »



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year while at the fair, Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old, if I don't ride that helicopter now I may not get another chance."

To this Esther replied "Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard this conversation and said "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take both of you for a ride in the helicopter for free, but you must stay quiet.  If either one of you says a word, I'll charge you the fifty dollars."

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did daredevil tricks and still, not a sound.

After they landed the pilot said "By golly, I tried everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!"

"Well, to tell you the truth," Morris replied, "I nearly said something when Esther fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

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