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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 25321 times)

CHANCE

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Joke of the day
« on: August 27, 2009, 07:56:05 pm »








 



                 IN Flight Event.








After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..... OH, Jesus Christ!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled, 'bejezus you should see the back of mine!'
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Chance Pataki
The Musicians Workshop
musicians.workshop@gte.net
http://www.the-musicians-workshop.com


A person is a biological signal processor--EQ mag

seedyunderbelly.com

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2009, 09:17:26 am »

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill?





-Here come the elephants over the hill..

Taproot

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2009, 09:39:18 am »

Q: How many Existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?









A: The fish.
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Jeffrey Reed
Taproot Audio Design
Oxford, Mississippi
www.taprootaudiodesign.com
www.myspace.com/taprootaudio

"That boy's so dumb, he thinks the Mexican border pays rent!" -Foghorn Leghorn

Roadster

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2009, 01:51:07 pm »

"Doctor, there's a patient in the waiting room who says he's invisible."

"Nurse, tell the patient I can't see him right now."
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Rich
Road's End Studio
Musician, Songwriter, Research Technician on Creative Muse

Bill_Urick

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2009, 07:13:20 pm »

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?













































































Dam.
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Good sense is, of all things among men, the most equally distributed; for everyone thinks himself so abundantly provided with it, that those even who are the most difficult to satisfy in everything else, do not usually desire a larger measure of this quality than they already possess.

Hallams

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2009, 07:37:16 pm »

What did the fish say when he got knocked out and floated to the surface?


















BLAST!
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Chris Hallam.
Melbourne, Australia.
 

Devin Knutson

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2009, 05:55:32 pm »

[all speech to be recited with heavy Gaelic accent]

At 5:30 in the morning, there comes a loud banging on the front gate of the local Irish Nunnery.  Mother Superior rushes down and throws open the gate.  There on the threshold are two obviously drunken leprechauns.

The first looks up and says, "Pardon me, mum...  Please, could I speak wit the midget nun who lives about the place?"

Quite confused by this, Mother Superior replies, "Er, midget... nun?"

"Oh aye", says Leprechaun 1, "Wee bitty thing, she is.  Fair as the morning dew, I tell yer.   Lives here, she does."

Leprechaun 2 smirks a bit at this.

"I'm sure I don't know what it is you're talking about", says Mother Superior, "Now if you'll excuse me, I must..."

"Ach please, m'lady.  Are you sure?  Perhaps she's new?"

"I should think not, sir "  somehow managing to make the word into an epithet.  "I'm quite familiar with all the sisters here, and none are new, and certainly none posses the quality of shortness that you describe.  Now I simply must be..."

"Well, perhaps I'm at wrong nunnery?  Be there any such nun in all of County Cork?"

"Not in County Cork.  And being quite close to the Bishop, I can say with fair certainty that there are no Sisters such as you describe in all of Ireland."

"Oh, waily waily!" cries Leprechaun 1 as the other begins laughing and elbowing him in the ribs.

"tsk tsk...  Aye, Shamus, now you'll see it's as I've told ye...  " says Leprechaun 2

"It is  a penguin yer fuckin."
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SpongeBob, reel it in, quick! Can't you hear the music?
That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D-minor!
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Taproot

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2009, 01:40:55 pm »

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered..

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Very Happy
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Jeffrey Reed
Taproot Audio Design
Oxford, Mississippi
www.taprootaudiodesign.com
www.myspace.com/taprootaudio

"That boy's so dumb, he thinks the Mexican border pays rent!" -Foghorn Leghorn

Taproot

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2009, 09:14:21 am »

Bert asked Ernie if he wanted some ice cream, and Ernie replied, "Sure, Bert."
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Jeffrey Reed
Taproot Audio Design
Oxford, Mississippi
www.taprootaudiodesign.com
www.myspace.com/taprootaudio

"That boy's so dumb, he thinks the Mexican border pays rent!" -Foghorn Leghorn

seedyunderbelly.com

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2009, 12:36:36 pm »

seedyunderbelly.com wrote on Fri, 28 August 2009 08:17

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill?





-Here come the elephants over the hill..


What did Tarzan say when he saw the Elephants coming over the hill with dark sunglasses on?








Nothing-  He didn't recognize them.















Edvaard

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2009, 07:54:38 am »


I hate to admit this, but incognito elephants have fooled me on more than one ocassion.

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CHANCE

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #11 on: September 09, 2009, 10:00:44 pm »



         The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.  You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'



       The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.  'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

       After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who  were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'  The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

       After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

       'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

       And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
       Women are like phones:  They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected..
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Chance Pataki
The Musicians Workshop
musicians.workshop@gte.net
http://www.the-musicians-workshop.com


A person is a biological signal processor--EQ mag

PRobb

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2009, 11:30:38 pm »

A doctor tells his patient "I have awful news for you. Not only do you have have AIDS, you also have Alzheimer's".

The patient says "Phew. At least I don't have AIDS".
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The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
-Edmund Burke

Taproot

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2009, 09:22:59 am »

Doc walks in and tells his patient, "Well, I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?."
The patient says, "Go ahead and lay it on me. What's the bad news?
Doc says, "You have an extremely rare blood condition and you only have a few months to live."
Devastated, the patient asks, "What's the good news? I need right now."
Doc says, "Do you see that knockout blond nurse over there with the big tits?
Patient, "Yeah?"
Doc says, "I'm f***ing her."
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Jeffrey Reed
Taproot Audio Design
Oxford, Mississippi
www.taprootaudiodesign.com
www.myspace.com/taprootaudio

"That boy's so dumb, he thinks the Mexican border pays rent!" -Foghorn Leghorn

ScotcH

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2009, 09:59:35 am »

So, there's big, rough-looking Irish dude sitting in his local bar drinking some whiskey, when an obviously gay male sits at the barstool next to him.

The gay man leans over and says, "Hey big fella, how about a blowjob?"

The Irish man stands up and punches him, immediately knocking him out, and sits down to resume his drink.

The bartender comes up to the Irishman and says, "I don't mean to intrude, but what was it that he said to you?"

The Irish man replied, "I'm not sure, something about a job."
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Arek Wojciechowski - Laundry Room, Basement, Garage, Bedroom, etc.
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